Week 35... Standing Up & Taking Back Some Control

by - August 23, 2016

This has been a fairly hard week for me. Emotionally and physically. The more time goes on, the more I am thinking it was a mistake to come to Elko. I am completely alone all day, everyday. Even during the few hours Michael is here, after work, every time I open my mouth to talk to him he doesn't seem to have any interest. He just looks at me with snide smug expressions that make me feel stupid and embarrassed. However, whenever he wants to talk about his day or a topic of his interest my ears are always open. I have been coming to the growing conclusion that what we have is not a two way street. I have sacrificed so much of myself, opportunities, friends, support, and happiness to be here and cater to him, after he finally decided to be involved, and it seems to be all for nothing. I miss human interactions, my friends and having their support. 

I did go out to the movies with a girl I met from my parenting and delivery classes to see "Bad Moms". Probably the most fun I have had since arriving here. I genuinely laughed for the first time in... well it's hard to remember. I didn't understand how much I missed just having a real conversation with someone and not feeling instantly judged and ashamed. 

Thursday morning I had my appointment with my new ob Dr. Beale. It's strange meeting someone for the first time with your naked ass at the edge of a medical table and legs wide open, while he is knuckle deep in your lady business. On the contrary, he did seem nice and very educated in his field so that made me a bit more comfortable. I asked about the c section and he does not recommended it. It's difficult to find doctors who will do vbacks which is a vaginal delivery following a c section, and the more c sections one has, the placenta gets weaker, putting the new baby at higher risk.

It's saddens me, but I have been thinking of looking into getting my tubes tied after my delivery. So when he was talking about future children I couldn't even imagine going through this again. Between Michael, my mother, and family, this whole pregnancy experience has been very hard for me. It has taken a devestating toll on my self esteem and I have come to terms that maybe someone like me shouldn't have a bunch of children. I don't live a life filled with love, family and support, and those are things that babies need. I will be happy just having my life be Milo and I. Plus, I have lost all hope on ever finding "true love". Love is honestly all I have ever wanted out of life and has seemed to be the one thing I just have never seemed to get. The emotional ups and no downs of pregnancy is something that has been extremely difficult to go through alone and I never want to feel like this again.

For some foolish reason I decided to plan some nice things for Michael since this was his birthday this weekend. I ordered tickets to see the new Star Trek movie (since he is a undercover nerd), had the option of cooking dinner or going out, and was even going to make his favorite cake. There is a city about two hours from here called Twin Falls in Idaho, that is filled with much more shopping and restaurants. Neither of us have ever been and since the baby can come at anytime, I figured that could be a fun place for us to explore, that's closer by. I of course didn't expect him to abandon me for 5 days. Once again my expectations for him were just too high. It broke my heart not being included in his birthday. He has tried to tell me we are "friends" but I just feel like he tells me what I want to hear to get me out here and keep me from leaving. I come all the way out here to just constantly get tossed aside. So I refunded my movie tickets and went out with Lisa from class instead. I'm sure I had a better time with her anyways.

The parenting and delivery classes have been helping ease my anxiety just a little bit. It's nice having them to prepare me for what is going to happen and what I should expect. At the same time though I don't think anything can prepare me for bringing a new innocent life into this world. This week's class was all about post partum and newborn care. This is the one class I begged Michael to attend, but once again he disregard my feelings and went frolicking off to Bryce Valley, to do only God knows what. I am really starting to resent that place all over again. I never realized how much really went into taking care of a new born. Especially a boy. There are so many things that can happen to them from infections, to sickness, to common hazards, I'm surprised the hospital trusts people after only 24 hours to take these new babies home. At least the classes are opening my eyes to new knowledge I didn't know before. I am so grateful my hospital offers them. They have helped me meet people, understand a bit more about pregnancy, and inform me about what I will go through during delivery and post partum.

I didn't know about this feature before, but I went in to the hospital and pre registered my delivery. It saves me from having to fill out loads of paperwork and insurance information while I'm going through labor. This is a god send and an amazing convenience. I highly recommend any mommy's to be to take advantage. They also have many privacy options for your birth and baby. You can be private so if anyone calls or comes to the hospital they will keep you safe by saying you are not a patient and not volunteering any information. You can also create a list of the people you want allowed/not allowed at the hospital. Lastly, you can have a password. So whenever anyone calls or comes in looking for information on you, your whereabouts, or your baby they must provide a password before any information is given. I asked Michael over and over again what his plans were for the labor and delivery and he didn't feel like giving me a straight answer, just laughs and jokes. So I didn't put any of his information down. He is not registered to be there during labor and delivery or on the visitation list for me or the baby. I am done playing his games. He can't ever take anything seriously. I am sick of him saying he wants to be involved then proving himself wrong on the daily. I don't expect him to be of any help or support during the actual delivery process anyway so I am just going to take that space and focus on me and my baby.

Also this week, I got a surprise phone call from Michael's mom Karin. We had a very open conversation for about two hours. I am not a liar, or someone that sugar coats, so when she asked me about how things have been, I answered honestly. She said she wants us to be close, looks to me like a daughter, and she assured me that we are family now and she will always be there for me and the baby, since Michael has not and probably will not be. At least someone in that family is half way decent. She is so excited to be a grandma, I don't want to deny here that chance. I did tell her that depending on how Michael acts, if he doesn't turn himself around I will not be considering him anymore, and she completely understood. We have a six month lease here and I may begin looking into job oppratunities here and in others cities once Milo is born. I assured her none would be further than I am right now and she supports me doing what's best for the baby and I, as long as she can be involved. She also wishes and hopes that Michael gets his act together, but doesn't seem to have all that much faith. He is a stubborn boy who is broken, she tried to explain to me. He has apparently been holding onto somethings from his own childhood that have clearly been hindering him in his adult life. In my eyes though, I am so sick and tired of making and accepting excuses for his piss poor actions and behaviors. He has had 35 weeks to get over the shock and start acting like a man and has chosen not too. At least she is understanding of my side of things and supports me doing whatever I feel is best. She wants me to be happy because a happy mom is a good mom. She knows from experience that's difficult to be with men like Michael or his father controlling your life.

It's hard being around Michael when he has time and time again said he wants to have a family and children, he just doesn't want me or Milo. I thought things changed and we came to good terms but living here and being around him, his actions prove that not be true. I have tried to make things work through out this entire pregnancy and give him chance after chance, but I can't forgive him since he has no remorse for the things he has said and done. I wish I didn't but I have been holding on to so many of the things he has said. I can't seem to just let them go. Things he has said and fights we have had still hurt every time everytime the memories pop in my head. 

The option of me going back to work so early and leaving Milo with a nanny or daycare was not something we planned on or liked the idea of. However, It just doesn't make sense for Milo and I to stay in this situation where we are barely tolerated and clearly unwanted. Karin and I both hope I find an actual good man one day to set healthy strong examples for Milo and will love us both the way we deserve. My luck with men though, I'm not going to hold my breath for that either. I'm glad Karin is smart enough to not be one of those people who chooses a side, she chooses what's right and I respect that. That makes it much easier for us to be friends. I don't think I could take it if she was jaded by Michael being her son and not seeing the reality that is life.

No matter how bad things are now I have faith everything will work out in one way or another. I have completely given up on Michael and lost all the respect I have falsely built up in my head for him. I think it will be much better for me and the baby to have my energy refocused on us and our happiness. Dealing with the hormonal changes and variety of emotions that come with pregnancy is hard. Especially, when your only support system is yourself. Not every part of pregnancy and/or life is good for anyone. I fully believe the ups and downs help us to appreciate the times that are good and give us hope when times are low. I know at least I will love my son even if his father does not and I my only hope is that I am good enough for him.

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