Week 34... To Be Or Not To Be

by - August 16, 2016

The past couple weeks I have noticed some serious changes. I am far more exhausted than ever before. I feel very very heavy, it's become more difficult to breathe and get comfortable, just like a constant pressure. My appetite has dropped significantly, and I am thirsty all the time. Heart burn and acid has become an uncomfortable companion. Even cold water causes an issue. Who knew you could get heart burn from water? The calcium deficiency I have acquired throughout this pregnancy has reeked more havoc on my teeth. According to my dentist the rapid rate of depletion is coming from the baby drawing his calcium intake from my dental area. I had to get a second tooth extracted since my new insurance company doesn't cover repairs, so once again I am on antibiotics. I have lost count of how many times I have been on antibiotics during this pregnancy, five or six maybe. Too many times if you ask me. I'm not sure but I wander if this antibiotic may be playing a part in my drowsiness???

I did this week have my welcome appointment with the new doctors office. I was introduced to the midwife and some of the nurses. We basically discussed my pregnancy, health history, and reasons for switching doctors so late in my term. My response was, "I didn't want to be the asshole who didn't try". She understood my humor and laughed. We listened to the babies heart beat which sounded healthy and strong and she measured my belly. I came in at 35 cm which she said is right on target for where I should be. Outside of the baby weight, I have only gained about 5 - 8 extra lbs so that's good too! She was really nice and could possibly be the person delivering Milo if I go full term. I set up another appointment to get my culture screening done with the ob doctor in the practice for this coming Thursday. That will make sure I don't have any infection or extra bacteria that could harm the baby during delivery. I will also find out if I am dilated and any other third trimester stuff before preparing for delivery. I went ahead and scheduled that appointment for the earliest available since Michael doesn't want to attend any doctor visits.

I have gotten so many of the baby's things delivered so far, I believe I may be almost ready. Travel system, pack n play, clothes, breast pump, bottles, bath ect. I also set up the bouncer Beth gifted me at my shower. It's adorable!! Everything is so cute I sometimes just sit in my closet and go through everything, rearrange it and reorganize. Nesting, I guess... This pregnancy has been pretty easy compared to most stories I have heard, but this third trimester is kicking my butt. I'm terrified for Milo to finally be here. I'm sure like many first time mothers. For now he is safe in his nice little squishy water bed, but I am getting tired of being pregnant. I am in this awkward stage where I want to meet him so badly, hold him, kiss his little forehead, but at the same time I know pregnancy and I can do this part.

Milo's movements have become more vicious as days go on. He is so active especially at night when Michael and I sit down to watch our show. Sometimes it shocks me. Poor baby boy is definitely running out of room in there which makes me believe time is almost up for this bun in the oven. He is also head down when the midwife checked but he can flip, roll, and toss all around up until delivery. Which at times I feel like he is doing. Some of his movements are painful. You know how swimmers kick off the side of the pool wall? I feel like he is doing that to my rib cage and flipping in circles in there like the little mermaid. I know this is more than likely not the case but still, come on man. Cool your jets!

I am becoming more and more concerned about the labor and delivery process. As time ticks down I'm worried I'm going to be alone. I'm scared and so nervous, I wish I had someone who is supportive, comforting, and understanding to go through this process with me. I had such a different outlook on things when I decided to make the  move out here. I thought Michael would become supportive and be involved more now that he has the chance, but I was wrong. He doesn't even want to be there for the baby after he is born let alone be my "support person" during delivery. I asked him about the time off he plans to take from work and he doesn't plan on taking much. I will be extremely sore, exhausted, and needing to heal for at least two weeks post partum and I'll be lucky if he sticks around for two days. I thought moving out here meant I didn't have to do everything on my own, but once again I was wrong.

Since this is how things are I have opened up the option of scheduling a c section. I am looking into it and plan on discussing this with my new ob on Thursday. I don't think a c section will be as overwhelming going through alone. I won't need or desire the emotional and physical support as I would going through a vaginal birth. I have never wanted a c section, but the overwhelming fears of going through this life changing experience by myself, or worse frustrated by Michael's lack of selflessness, has made me realize that it may be an easier option. Things are to the point where if I went into labor or started having contractions I would probably just get in my car and go to the hospital. I won't bother waking him up or giving him a call. Like he would answer, respond or care anyways. I'm sure he will put two and two together once he realizes I'm not picking up my phone or at the house for a couple days. I would rather go through birth actually alone than having him there just not bothering to be supportive. I wish he could see what a blessing this journey and baby boy is vs a shameful burden.

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