Reflection

by - October 15, 2016

Now that my pregnancy is finally over and I have been granted the priceless gift of motherhood. I sit hear today reflecting on the past year. Sometimes I feel my days are run on autopilot. I'm exhausted, covered in spit up, half dressed, no makeup, all while sprouting a milk leak. Even though it's nearly been an entire month since Milo has become my life, at times it still seems so surreal. I'm A Mother! He's All Mine! This realization will hit me randomly when I glance down at my baby and catch him looking up at me, when he is fussy and all he wants is to hold my hand, or when we are bonding over a midnight feeding. I never thought this would happen for me. I never thought I would have the ability to be a mother. I was told by my previous long term doctor that having a baby just was not in the cards for me. This is why this pregnancy took me so off guard. This is why, at least to me, Milo is and will forever be a very special miracle and such a blessed gift. One I vow to cherish and protect as long as I live.

I have a medical condition called PCOS, which stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. For those that don't know, this condition is a hormone disorder that effects the ovaries and female reproduction. It causes many issues, including infertility. For years I was easing some of the side effects of this condition by taking a daily birth control pill. Before I made my move to the secluded area of southern Utah, where there isnt a pharmacy for miles, I consulted with my doctor back home, asking if I could stop taking my prescription to see if by chance my body has changed over the years. This is a lifetime condition with no cure, however the human body changes over the years. I didn't expect to magically be able to have children but maybe some of the other side effects of the condition had tamed down. I had spent almost a decade swallowing a pill daily and to be honest I just didn't want to do it anymore. She informed me that I might notice some changes in my weight, mood, and energy levels over the first 6 to 8 weeks coming off the pill, but to document the symptoms I experience and to call her in a couple months. Besides those symptoms and a couple other things I had to look out for she gave me the ok to stop taking the daily inconvenience. I was so relieved, I hated taking my pill everyday at 3 pm.

Being told years ago I wouldn't be able to have my own children broke my heart. After suffering a miscarriage, that lead to the ending of the engagement to a man I deeply loved, the reality became even more real and left me shattered. I covered this up with trying to convince myself and the people around me kids just were not something I wanted. All I was doing was lying straight through my teeth. All I have ever wanted was a family. Marriage, kids, dog, the whole shabang. Once I heard the news that maybe my life long dream wasn't in the cards for me, I pushed myself in other directions in life and found new dreams. I traveled the country, lived all over, and experienced life the best I could. Which ultimately lead me to the hospitality position I took in Utah. I am glad I was able to have all those experiences before entering into this new phase of my life. I am no longer restless and now I can settle and focus on being the best mom I can be. I have lived my life, made many unforgettable memories, and have friendships scattered all over the world. Now I can take what I have learned and pass it on to my son.

If you have followed my story then you already know the hardships that challenged me during my pregnancy. Michael has not viewed Milo as such the gift as I have. Making the decision to keep this baby and to try to follow through with this pregnancy was not something he agreed with. This lead to many vicious battles. My self esteem, dignity, and health took a beating, but it was all worth it when the nurse put this sweet baby boy in my arms. I also encountered personal struggles with my own mother, multiple cross country moves, and on top of that there were the undeniable pregnancy symptoms and complications. This has been a year of tremendous growth for me, in many ways. With all the downs, some ups have followed. I am a stronger, more forgiving, and mature woman now, more than I ever have been before. I really do owe all the changes I have made and personal growth that has taken place to Milo. He has made me a better person, and I strive daily to be better than I was yesterday, for him.

My life has always been a little ass backwards, but this journey is mine and I embrace whatever comes, with as much grace as I can. Obviously we are taught as kids that, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." This however is reality, I am only human. The best thing about life is that there is no rule book, everyone writes a different story. That's what makes us and our life journeys so special. I don't want to live a cookie cutter life, even if I did, what would that look like? Who decides what's perfect, normal, or right? Michael may not be a perfect man, the nicest man, or the man of my dreams, but he has made the most precious of my dreams come true. For that I will always be grateful. Maybe one day I will have the love and marriage, but for now all the love I have to give goes to my son, and I don't think he is willing to share that love just yet.

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