Week 38... The Pressure From Down Under

by - September 08, 2016

My Woo Hoo literally feels like it's going to just fall out! The baby must be too big or something because that's how I feel. Like a bowling ball is weighing down on my uterus. I'm assuming this baby being large is not much of a likely possibility. Due to my Cindy Lou Who self and Michael's hobbit like features, those two together don't really condone a future line backer baby. Maybe my body is just too small, or there isn't enough room for him... To some extent I'm glad the sands in my hourglass are running out. These past few weeks have been the most unpleasant and uncomfortable. Ever sense we went on baby watch every cramp, pressure, movement, ache and pain has me thinking I'm going into labor.

I'm not a patient person nor have I ever been one for surprises so the anticipation has me a bit on edge. I am a planner, I find comfort in routine and structure. Waiting around for my stomach to feel like a bomb just went off has my anxiety at an all time high. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about it. Plus, I don't want my house to be messy when Milo comes home. First impressions and all. Which sounds utterly mad. He is a baby what the hell does he care. However, I'm what feels like a million weeks pregnant so pretty much everything I say and do is a little mad.
My latest appointment with Dr. Beale was accomplished. He answered many of the questions that have been fluttering in and out of my pregnancy brain. I have been slacking on my journal so many of the questions I have wanted to ask him I forgot to write down. All are answered now though. I bombarded him this past visit. One thing I was curious about was birth control after the pregnancy. I highly doubt I will need it, but we decided on a shot that will be given in the hospital. It lasts about three months so that gives me time to make a clear decision on what I want to do next. I'm still unsure about children in the future, especially with everything Michael has put me through but at least I will have three months to make an unhormonal decision.

We also went over our hospital and birthing plan. Epidural = Big Fat Yes (asap). Along with that we decided on the medical team cleaning and doing all the medical checks before Milo comes to me after birth. This way we don't start the bonding process, nurses taking him away, just to bring him back again. It is less stress on me and the baby if they just get everything out of the way first. I'm happy with my decision to bond without interruptions after being assured he is a healthy baby. Also, I'm not a huge fan of slimy, gooey, gross stuff. Getting down and dirty with human fluids and whatnots is not my thing. If it was I would probably be in the medical field but humans tend to make me queezy. I'm sure there are some of you rolling your eyes and saying it's a natural and beautiful process. And sure it is, but a process I don't really want to be hands on in. I'm all about being natural, eco friendly, and whatever just not in the way that involves me to be covered in human blood and slime.

I have done my best to plan every little detail of the things I can control, but there is one thought that keeps crossing my mind. One thought I can't help going back and forth on. I'm so on the fence of if I am really ready for this. Is anyone ever really ready for this giant change and responsibility? I guess I don't really have a choice at this point. What if I'm terrible at being this little baby boys mom? What if I don't know what to do? Or I do something wrong and scar him for life? Some days I feel ready and want him to come right now. So I can hold him and see what he looks like. Smell his little baby smell and dress him up in all his cute outfits. While others I wish I could turn back time. What if I'm not ready...? I'm sure I can't be the only first time mom to feel this way. Completely terrified of making huge mistakes... I have done my best planning and preparing for motherhood, but there is no rule book. There isn't a defining line of what's right and what's wrong. People just seem to wing it, go off of trial and error and that's never been something I'm good at.

Like there is this huge back and forth on vaccines. Dr. Beale and I had a pretty good talk about them. I decided to go ahead and vaccinate Milo and I will be doing that with our pediatrician. I got my whooping cough vaccine and even scheduled Michael's appointment to get his shot Friday. He wasn't too happy about it but that's too bad, he can suck it up. I completely lied to him saying it didn't hurt when in all actuality that vaccine hurts like hell. My arm has been sore ever sense. He can be such a baby sometimes, I had no choice. A little white lie for the greater good. Plus, I have had so many shots, blood draws, and ivs he can "cowboy up" for once and do his part. Dr. Beale mentioned it would be a good idea for Michael's mom Karin to also get vaccinated. Since she will be a big part of Milo's life and works in the tourist industry. She comes in contact with so many people from all over the world. I sent her a text about getting vaccinated but so far no response. I'm hoping she will because if Milo gets sick, oh man. I will be furious! Especially in Bryce Valley. That place is like a third world country. There isn't anything decent for a 100 mile radius. I also asked about travel. We are hoping to take Milo to Michael's parents for Thanksgiving. Dr. Beale said it should be ok, just clear it with the pediatrician and expect a longer trip.

I go back again Friday during the time of Michael's vaccination, for my last appointment, if I haven't gone into labor already. He said he will do and exam and open up the discussion for being induced. One thing that does have me concerned is that Dr. Funk never did my O- blood testing which means I just got my treatment for that last week. Dr. Beale mentioned something about if I become sensitized during delivery I can't get another treatment to stop it since it will be within thirty days of my previous treatment. This apparently can cause me to not be able to have children in the future. He will go over the side effects of Dr. Funk's malpractice with me more the next time I see him. Whether in the hospital or in his office. Hopefully all ends up well. I really am unsure if I can handle anymore complications.

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