A Salute To The End & New Beginings

by - September 17, 2016

Today is the final pregnancy update. Tomorrow, Sunday, I will be heading to the hospital, bags in hand, to be induced. A process that can take days, but without a doubt Milo is on his way. Just like everything else in life this comes with its own set of complications, but the relief of weight off my shoulders is a blessing. I have been stressing myself out with the anxiety of not knowing when and/or where I would go into labor. Now with a plan in place, I have been able to relax, prepare, and even get excited. I am my best self when my anxiety levels are on the down low. When I decided to accept my faults and battle my anxiety myself, through methods not involving medication, I knew it would be difficult at times. The good part is I can recognize when I am getting overwhelmed, and handle it. It has taken practice over time, but I'm glad I didn't flood my body with mind altering medications and chemicals through out my pregnancy.

There are many benefits to being induced in my situation. One is my doctor wants to find out what is going on with the masses begining to block my respiratory system. So do I... That can't be done during my pregnancy, so the faster Milo makes his debut, the faster we can get to the bottom of this possible cancer issue. Also my body isn't progressing. I'm not dilating, my cervix is still firm, and Milo is still in the same position. He is definitely camping out in there, with no signs of wanting to come out of the woods. By woods I mean that literally. Its like the Dixie National Forest down there. I havent seen my woo hoo in weeks, maybe months. I have been told sex throughout pregnancy helps with labor and delivery. Makes things progress, less pain, and quickens the process. However, the last time that the kitty was out to play was the time I got pregnant. Maybe my lack of "getting it on" is factoring into these L&D issues. That's ok though, I'd rather be induced than suffer again through the 90 second sweaty alternative. I will wait until I find a mature, kind, supportive, and understanding man and commit to a healthy relationship before I get my groove on again. Hell if that doesn't happen there are plenty of churches in Utah, maybe Karin can help me find good ol Jesus and I'll become a nun, or maybe just a crazy dog lady, who knows. Back to the topic at hand, to reduce the likelihood of a c section my doctor wants Milo to come sooner rather than later. He is concerned if he becomes too large, now that he is fully developed, I won't be able to do a vaginal birth. Apparently, my lady business is tilted and on the smaller side, which if the baby is to large could make it difficult to push him through the birth canal naturally. I used to hate the idea of a c section, but at this point, with everything that has happened, I just want someone, hell could be anyone, to hand me a healthy baby.
At my final pregnancy appointment yesterday, where all of this was discussed, we went over the RH issue with my blood type. I had some questions, concerns, and didnt quite understand it all. It upsets me to unmeasurable levels that my previous ob did not bother to treat me and the baby for this issue. So basically, because my blood type is rare if the baby has a positive blood type my body can attack him during delivery. Of course causing extremely dangerous complications, but what else is new. Just my luck. If I become "Sensitized" during this delivery it can also force issues on any future pregnancies. All to which are life threatening of course. I am in the process of looking into a malpractice lawsuit against Dr. Funk. I can't believe a doctor could be so careless with something as detrimental as this.

Michael also got his vaccine for whooping cough at this appointment. Readers give him a round of applause. It took some elbow grease, and patients to deal with his whining, complaining, and childish fit throwing, but what better to prepare me for parenthood, eh? There are many traits I hope do not get passed on to Milo from his father's side of the gene pool, and Michael's stubbornness and immaturity are at the top of that list. Dr. Beale requested some last minute monitoring and testing to be done at the hospital after our appointment. So we headed straight over. Obviously that was an inconvenience to Michael just like everything else in life. A NST test is what was ordered. I have no idea what that stands for, but it seemed to monitor the baby's heart rate and my contractions. While this whole time I have been focusing on looking out for contractions that feel like an electric shock in my uterus, I have been getting them in my back. Sharp, intense, lower back pains that last about a minute and a half, then release. I just assumed it was pain from a previous back injury I suffer with, as Milo moved around, but this is considered back labor or lower back contractions. I have fallen in love with my heating pad over the past few days to say the least.

In between Michael's expressions of impatience and his famous unsupportive attitude, I was made aware I would be moving shortly after the baby comes. I was instantly enraged by the fact that I was not included in this decision and am constantly being treated like some kind of pawn, in his game of life. The registration on my car is coming due and the fact that I have changed my address with the post but not on my license came up, while we were waiting to check into the hospital for my testing. That's when I was nonchalantly made aware of this impending life change. Apparently, I shouldn't bother changing over my license or registering my vehicle in Nevada because I won't be here in Elko much longer. After taking the night to digest this information I have come to the terms that it wouldn't be so bad, Michael having less influence in Milo's life and our day to day. I moved out here so he can be involved with his son and that doesn't seem to be high on his priority list. The baby and I being in Elko is holding him back from running rapid in the good old hills of Bryce Valley with a case of Budweiser in hand. I knew when he stayed here on his most resent days off there would be backlash, based off of his snide comments and remarks. The blame game is strong with this one, a seasoned jedi master Yoda may say.

The baby and I are constantly being blamed and reminded that he is here in Elko, a place he refuses to feel anything but pure hatred for. That he hates our apartment, that he has to go to work, he is far from home, the traffic is annoying, blah blah blah. In Bryce he didn't have to put much effort into his life. He barely survived on beer and pasta and worked when he wasn't too hungover. Letting life slip right on by out of utter laziness and lack of self concern and motivation. Now, here in Elko he has a big boy job, that he actually enjoys shockingly, and is surrounded by real men on a daily basis. Despite the fact that he likes his job, and it is what he has been trained to do, he still insists on making this a painfully negative situation for us all. I am constantly pushing myself to my emotional limits to make this the best for everyone involved and it's like he crushes my efforts and self esteem every chance he gets. I have always been good at making the best plays with the shitty cards of life I'm dealt, but I'm getting tired of always having to try so hard. No one else would have granted him as many chances as I have, taken the risks, or continue to tolorate his bullshit without a drop of appreciation. I am always seeing the good in people, even when it doesn't exsist. Out of hope I sometimes even making it up in my head. That is one thing I have noticed about myself that needs to change. I want to set positive examples for my son. I can't do that as someones doormat. I need to be stronger, if not for my own happiness and sanity, but for my sons. So maybe being a 7 hour drive and 10 days apart from Michael wouldn't be so bad after all. Hello Utah...

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