Week 32... Down The Rabbit Hole

by - August 04, 2016

Frontier finally came!! It's a Christmas in July miracle. Well not really, I decided to threaten them with the Better Business Bureau and recieved a phone call the next day from an installer in my area. I am now connected to the outside world again, and it's such a relief. With the holy power of the internet, I was able to switch over my insurance and find a new doctor. I have an appointment scheduled for August 11th. This new practice is small, just two professionals. One midwife and one obgyn. I kinda like the idea of working with both sides. I originally wanted a midwife, however the security of a hospital and medically trained doctor makes me feel even more safe. I am definitely not one of those woman to go out into the woods and birth a child in a river. If that is your taste though, girl you do you. My hopes are high that I like them because I am running out of time. Milo can come in the next couple weeks or couple months. My due date of September 20th is not too far away and I have had this lingering feeling I won't make it to my due date.

Milo has been more active than ever recently. It's like he is practicing to be on So You Think You Can Dance in there. Sometimes he moves around for so long it becomes slightly painful. Like I'm bruising from the inside out. I have also been experiencing pressure downstairs (wink wink) when I move about. Turn over in bed, get up from the floor or sofa, getting in and out of the truck, that sort of thing. I'm sure it's normal towards the end of the third trimester, but I'm going to ask my new doctor anyways. I have so many questions written down in my baby book already.

(If you didn't read before in past posts I definitely recommend getting a notebook to write down questions, concerns, or experiences throughout your pregnancy to share with your doctor. I make sure to leave some time at the end of my appointments to get all of my questions answered. Writing them down helps me remember and document the date and time of certain experiences. In the beginning appointments with my doctor were weeks apart so having my questions written down helped with the pregnancy brain.)

I hope once he arrives I can keep up with him. I never imagined he would be so active. I am almost convinced he will come out of the womb an Olympian. Always seems to be at the most inopportune times too, when he wants to get his groove on. Between his killer moves and the tension from living in this grey area with Michael I have not been getting much sleep. I lay awake just staring at the wall all night, alone with my thoughts. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed all this movement is a sign that he is strong and healthy.

Michael came to me and said he will not be here for the four days he has off work. That he wants to spend his very limited free time getting wasted like a frat boy in Bryce Valley. He apparently wants to have some kind of father to be blowout. I was instantly taken back. We still have so much left to do and prepare before Milo's arrival. His work schedule already doesnt allow much free time. Since I have gotten out here he has shown absolutely zero interest in me or the baby. He doesn't want to go to any doctor appointments, and I had to nag him for days to fulfill an insurance request. I picked up some cute outfits that were on sale the other day at Marshalls, and he had nothing but snide comments to say. Stated he doesn't want to or care to help pick out or shop for any of the things we still need. Which is pretty much everything. That's a woman's job. Apparently all he wants to do to be involved with his son is go to work. I can't tell if that's a bad thing yet or not. Do I really want his poor influence or immature ways around my son anyways? This attitude where all he wants to do is lay around and get drunk is making me wonder why I am even out here. He said he wanted to be involved, but clearly that's not the case.

As time went on I became more and more furious as the thought of him leaving me here alone, after I just got here, to act a fool in Utah lingered in my mind. All the times I have forgiven him, considered him and tried to be understanding, and this is what I get in return? My entire world will turn upside down when Milo arrives. I have dealt with all the stress, changes, and emotions of this pregnancy entirely alone, and the thought that maybe I would like to do something fun or enjoy some time before becoming a mother didn't even cross his mind. Yes, I understand I can pick out all the baby stuff by myself but it would just be nice to not have to. I assumed when he said he wanted to be involved that ment actually being involved not just handing over a credit card. It would just be nice for him show some interest in something other than himself for once. I have tried over and over again to make things work with him, but I'm just too tired to bother anymore. My efforts and forgiveness have been wasted and thrown in my face too many times. I'm finally at my wits end and I'm done.
Since we aren't together romantically, or ever going to be, I decided to lugg all of his things into the other room and bring the few baby's things we do have so far into mine. Of course, I did that by myself as well, while he sat his stubborn ass on the porch with his Budweiser pouting with his Oakley sunglasses. We don't need to be sharing a bed, acting like a couple and a family, if he isn't going to try to make things work. I refuse to live my life uncomfortably in the grey areas. From now on I'm looking at this broken partnership with him as more of a business deal. No more thoughtfulness. For example, I picked him up a new tooth brush while I was at the store the other day. I assumed and was correct that he hasn't changed his recently and dentists say to toss them every three months. Not a thank you or anything, just a sarcastic remark. Simple and easy acts of thoughtful kindness like that are done. I am here so he can see his son once in a while and Milo   can have at least one of us around to raise him. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to stay home and bond with my son while he grows but I didn't realize the cost would be so high. I thought the days of pushing my hurt feelings aside for Michael's benefit were over.

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