Oppratunities Come & Go

by - August 12, 2016

I had the opportunity to attend another parenting class last night. These free parenting and delivery courses at the hospital are really helping me become prepared and getting answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Last week I invited Michael to attend with me before he left for his "Utah trip". He denied but said he would go next time. So of course, hoping that maybe yesterday would be the day he would get his head out of his ass, I invited him last night. I received a text after nothing all day that simply stated "No". Once again giving him the benefit of the doubt I assumed he got sent out in the field to repair something at work and was unable to make it. Come to find, out when I got home later in the evening, that he just didn't want to go.

I was instantly furious. My blood boiled to the point I thought I might smack the unremitting smirk from his face. Not only has he not made any effort to be involved since I got here, but now he has become a liar. The one thing I thought I could count on him not being. The one moral shred of dignity I thought he held dear. If he doesn't want to go and participate, at least he could go to be supportive for once. This pregnancy process has been so stressful and nerve-wracking on me and the baby. With him at the core of it all. I have never had a baby before and this is one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I am just trying to be as prepared as possible. I don't want to go in blind and alone. Who am I kidding, story of my life. In this moment I finally realized that he could not care less about any of this. Me, the pregnancy, the baby, none of this matters to him. He has broken my trust and become completely unreliable. 

There are only two classes I really wish he would take. Next week's newborn care and the CPR. CPR practices change throughout the stages of life and learning the different techniques is the difference between life or death. I practically begged him to attend with me and even mentioned that if he doesn't the baby won't ever be able to be alone with him. He has made it known that he has never wanted this baby continuously throughout my entire pregnancy, that's for certain. I just never thought he would be so careless and selfish to actually put Milo's life in danger. I am coming to the end of my rope with his irresponsible, careless behavior. Realizing more every day that coming out here, and giving up so much of myself, so he can be "involved" like he said he wanted may have been a huge mistake.

It bothered me before when he had no regard for anything baby related, but now to push aside safety. To cast it off like some kind of child who doesn't want to eat their vegetables. I am done with him. If he wants to be nothing but a credit card number than fine, that's what he will be. I am honestly disgusted by the way he has acted throughout this pregnancy. It makes it so hard for me to find the joy and be excited, which is devastating. I always thought having a baby was supposed to be a happy time, and I had hoped he would come around and be a man, once I got here. It breaks my heart that he has to suck all the joy and happiness out of this life changing journey. However, I am slowing coming to terms with the fact that the only thing he seems to be good at is crushing those hopes and spurts of excitement. 

At least throughout all of this I can say I gave him a shot and the chance to be a father. That he had every opportunity to be involved and do this right, and refused. Hell he could even fake it for all I care, as long as he was supportive in my times of need. Oh, what did he say last night as his excuse... "I just didn't feel like it." That's it. He doesn't feel like it. If it doesn't come in a red and white can, it holds no priority to him. The best thing about this situation is that we are not married. So if I decide one day it is in the best interest of my son and I to relocate elsewhere, nothing will hold us back. Milo deserves someone who will show up and be apart of special moments. Not just a guy who will hand him a $100 bill once in a while. It's the difference between showing up to the pee wee football games vs just buying the uniform. If he can't be reliable and show up now why would I expect him to later?

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