Week 26... Baby Bumps & Bumpy Roads

by - June 22, 2016

Something about Michael and I, is that we always seem to make up. One way or another. It's almost impossible for me to stay mad at him for long despite his words acting as his vicious sword in any of our crude arguments. He has mastered the art of cutting me right down to the bone. He knows my weaknesses and insecurities and exploits them purely for the sake of being hurtful. However, the second he puts on the charm and turns on that genuine sounding voice of his, all is right in the world again. That being said, it's the most terrifying part of our relationship to me. I don't know if I'm just weak or if it really is the right thing to keep fighting to make this work, for our son. I have never had a relationship with someone that was to this extreme. Friends, ex's, family... Nothing this passionate to both ends. He understands that this behavior is wrong and incredibly abusive. It's been our biggest problem, possibly our only problem from the beginning. With that being known, and having his own desire to make this work, he is working on gaining some self control.

We have learned a lot about each other through out this pregnancy experience. I have been getting upset with him from time to time because he isn't supportive in the way my friends are. My girlfriends ask me all the time about the pregnancy and baby, but him not once. He just assumes that since we are both young and healthy that the baby is fine. Which he is as far as my doctor's and I know. I have come to realize that showing emotion just isn't him. He isn't an emotional person. His way of being supportive is working hard and being a provider. He is not a "modern man" strinckly a traditionalist, and I have come to learn and fully accept that about him. He is actually A LOT like my grandpa in that way. My grandpa was never one for hugs or "I love you's" but he was always there when I needed him. It makes working with Michael easier when we both understand our place.
Sometimes you have to be open to lowering the expectations you set for someone to be able to really get to know them for who they are. Not who you want them to be. Once I stopped expecting him to be someone he isn't , I was left open to learn more of who he really is.

He really really wants Milo and I out in Utah. Close to him, family and friends. Once I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, with the way he has been acting, and I was looking into a recent job offer, which involved me staying in Ohio. Things really changed. Obviously, it wouldn't be ideal or the plan we laid out for raising our son, but I think he realized that maybe I COULD do this without him. Me staying here, became a possibility that it really never was before. He even admitted that he hasn't been handling things correctly, and if he saw another guy acting like he has been he would tell him to "man the f*** up, and take responsibility." I understand what it is like, finding it hard to take your own advice, from time to time. I don't think I will ever find it in my heart or soul to not be a forgiving person. It's just who I am, and that isn't something I want to change.

Michael is definitely someone who can be rough around the edges, but I'm starting to learn that deep down inside he really isn't so bad. It might take him awhile and it might be a bumpy road getting there, but he will eventually end up doing the right thing. I have a feeling things are going to start getting better and better between us now that we have taken the time to learn and communicate with eachother. Neither one of us are perfect, but with a little bit of effort and elbow grease I believe we can work perfectly together.

With things getting back on track, I am open to both options. Moving to Utah and staying here in Ohio. There are surprizingly more oppratunities for Milo and I out west. However, time is tickig down and it's been difficult to find a rental. We have had an application in on a house in Cedar City since my visit, so about a week. The place we originally applied for got rented to someone who applied before us. The property management company we are using has switched our application over to a very similar property. The agent I am working with, a fella named Ben, was hoping to have an answer on Monday. I am not a patient person and have been crawling right out of my skin for days, waiting for the owners to make their decision. They requested some additional information about Michael's rental history. Which lead to me putting on my big girl pants and calling Mark myself. Mark and I didn't leave on the best of terms, during my departure from Bryce. Despite that he knows how important this is to Michael and gave us a good rental referral. He handles the resort property and has known/worked with Michael for years. The company also contacted Anthony, Michael's best friend and boss, and from what Michael said that went well also. Ben, our agent, said our chances are great, but I am dieing to know for sure. It's been hard to plan for things that demand planning without a move date or even moving decision. Their aren't that many rental options either so the inventory is very limited. If we don't get this place, a move may not happen at all. Hopefully, I will receive word today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Last night I didn't hear anything, but I woke up to a call this morning. We didn't get approved for the house. I have been scrambling trying to find another rental and submitted an application with another property management company today. It is harder than I thought to find a property and I'm slowly losing hope. This move may not happen and we have to make a plan for the worst case scenario...

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