Week 25... My Heart Is Torn

by - June 14, 2016

The Utah trip is finally over. Nothing at all went as I planned. From finding a rental to looking into doctors and hospitals. Everything from location along with mine and Michael's relationship has completely changed. The ups and downs don't stop there. This visit was extended a day due to the baby and I being admitted to the Intermountain Medical Center, labor and delivery unit under a high risk medical team.

So lets start from the begining, shall we? For weeks, I have had the highest of hopes. I have been so excited for this trip. Beyond elated that Michael and I have seemed to have worked out many of our critical issues, and we appeared to be in a good place. Of course nothing is perfect, but I was happy with the progress, I thought we had been making. That all fell apart this weekend. The first couple days were disappointing. The Park City rental and others in the areas I found, had restrictions we do not fit into. So all the properties I have spent days researching over the past few weeks, either we couldn't agree on or Michael's income is too high to qualify. Salt Lake and Utah in general is a strange place to me. Back east apartments require income minimums based on the rent price. They want to make sure you live comfortably, while being able to pay your bills. Utah is such a lucrative state at the moment with a population demand that they have imposed an income maximum for many rental properties. So the people who work there can also afford to live there. Basically forcing higher wage earning people to buy versus rent. Which we are in no position to do at this time.

So with this new found information we headed south to visit his family and friends, along with looking into a new location. The town of Cedar City, I am actually slightly familiar with this place. This is the closest, decently populated place, to the tiny ant speck of a town I used to call home, Bryce. Cedar is where the majority of people, in that area of southern Utah, will make the one and a half to two and a half hour drive to do their shopping and/or other basic errands. It's not what I pictured when Michael originally had the idea in the very beginning of my pregnancy to relocate me and the baby. However, things could always be worse. I actually found some decent places for a much lower cost than in the Northern Metro areas. For the price of a tiny apartment in Salt Lake or surrounding neighborhoods we can get a whole house in Cedar. Plus, it's only about a two to three hour drive to Vegas so visiting my friends from my time there would be totally plausible. Michael's mom as many of you know is very excited and eager to be a grandma and with this being my first child and her first grandchild, it may be nice to be a little closer to her. She will only be about an hour and a half to two hours from Cedar versus the four to five hour trip from Salt Lake to Henrieville. I am obviously still concerned about being in a new place and alone for the most part. I hear becoming a new mother is difficult and lonely, without being far from home. I know I have handled tough situations in the past that have tested my strength in many ways, and I should have more faith in myself. However, I am still filled with fear.

The anxiety I had knowing we were going to see some people in Michael's life I didn't necessarily have the best first interactions with was very difficult for me this weekend. It was like a count down in the back of my head. As we were heading south I knew the time was coming. The worst part of anxiety is feeling like you have no control. When we finally got into town we checked into our cabin and stopped by the local convenient market. Michael, of course picked up beer, as tonight was the night everyone would be getting together. I still have an issue with the amount of alcohol he consumes and the frequency. I'm picking my battles at the moment though. For some reason it is so important for him that the people in his life and I get along. So despite my anxiety and the past we headed over to Mark's house. The night went better than I expected it to. Possibly the only good surprise of the weekend. Michael's man crush Anthony's wife was there with their two kids, Lynden, and of course Marks wife Kelly. I couldn't tell you if Kelly just loves babies or if it was the alcohol. Maybe a mix of both but see has been the most flamboyant with her excitement yet! This was something that was actually nice to see. It's been hard for me to be excited through out this journey being surrounded by people who make it known they are not.

As we made our rounds making sure we got to see everyone while we were in the area I started to notice Michael's reactions when people brought up me or the baby. Asking how I have been, how the pregnancy is coming along, and congratulating us on becoming new parents. Every time someone would bring it up Michael's demeanor would change. He would begin to look around or down. His smile less genuine, and he answered their questions with generic or humorous responses. A lot of the baby chit chat was left up to me, as he zoned out staring down at his sneakers. I know he was not excited or thrilled in the beginning. Everyone processes shocking life changing news differently. I have tried very hard to move past his initial heartbreaking reaction to me and this blessing of new life, because I thought things have changed. On our drive back up to SLC I had enough. I had to figure out where his head was at. He is so closed off and it's difficult for me to figure him out and impossible to read him. It also doesn't help that anytime I bring up an important topic for discussion his response to my statements or questions is normally a deadening silence accompanied with a glazed over look. Like a doe caught in the headlights. I can't stand closed communication, and I feel passionately that we need to figure out what our plan is for our son. Time is running out and I'm the only one who seems to realize this. Of course with him and his lack of concern for anything other than himself, it turned into an agruement. He shows absolutely no concern for me or our son. Finally after hours of arguements and gallons of tears, I find out he still has not changed. He still feels the same way he had when I was in Bryce. He doesn't want me or Milo. He still hates and blames me for "ruining his life" and "forcing him into growing up." This broke my heart into a million pieces. I can't believe he still has not accepted this and moved on from his initial boyish feelings. How can this much time pass and he not love this innocent boy and be excited to have the blessing of getting to know him. I know things are different with fathers and mothers. I have a stronger, constantly growing, bond with Milo already. My journey to knowing him has long begun. Michael doesn't get that same opportunity, but still. He says since I am having Milo and still refuse to get an abortion he feels obligated to be involved. He doesn't believe in children being raised without fathers. My only concern is that I don't want to live a life where Milo and I are just tolerated and put up with because he feels obligated. I want him to want to be around. I want him to want to love him and enjoy the oppratunity to have us in his life. That throughout our vicious fights is something he just can't seem to wrap his head around. I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying that his feelings change after Milo arrives. Realizing his feelings and all the progress I thought we made was just a cloud of hope I couldn't hold my emotions back. I spent hours that night crying as our fights went on in shifts.
On what should have been the last morning of my trip, preparing for my plane to take off before the break of dawn. The morning after Michael and I had one of our most emotional fights to date. I recieved a text from my mom's boyfriend stating that I must move out as soon as I get back to Ohio. I knew this living arrangement wouldn't last long, but I figured I at least had the time to get things prepared in Utah and figured out with Michael before once again I was kicked to the curb. I had been in an agonizing pain all the night before and into the morning. With as emotional as I was and the amount of stress I was/am under my stomach was in knotts. Waking up to that text pushed everything over the edge. I could barely breath, let alone walk. Anytime Milo or I moved it was like someone was ripping my abdominal muscles apart. I began feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. My chest hardened and filled with a stabbing pain. My breaths were excruciating, but I tried to fight through it. Michael took me to the airport without even showing the slightest concern. He dropped me off and in no more than a few steps I was keeled over in pain. I tried to check in to the airline kiosk but before I knew it I was going to be sick. With my anxiety a few times in the past I have gotten sick when under and enormous amount of pressure. A medic noticed me and my condition. After speaking with the airline personnel I was advised to seek medical attention and to not fly. So I called Michael to come get me.

He didn't say much after picking me up. Just went back to the hotel and went to sleep, ignoring my condition and of course not showing any interest in the baby's well being. With the time difference I had a few hours before Dr. Funk's office opened. So I tried my best to get comfortable and rest. After a few hours I felt a little better and was able to call my doctor's office. They told me to go to the nearest labor and delivery hospital right away. I hate hospitals and was trying to avoid it. Even though my pain, blood pressure and stressed began to decrease, damage could still be done, I was advised from the nurse. Stress is one of the most damaging things to both the mother and baby during pregnancy. After hours of being monitored and tested by the high risk medical team, they told me my baby is fine. I hope being there, hearing the heart beat and going through this experience, Michael begins to feel differently. Due to the emotional night and the stress I was released with the diagnosis of a torn abdominal muscle and was told I could fly the next day as long as there were no further complications. There is a muscle that stretches during pregnancy that goes all the way across the abdomen holding the growing uterus in place. With that muscle constantly stretching it is important to not do any strenuous activity to damage it.

So after hours of battling to switch my flight with Frontier airlines, I finally have arrangements to go back to Ohio. Many thoughts are weighing on my mind and I don't know what I am even coming home too. All these decisions, and trying to make the best choices for my son is all becoming very overwhelming. All I can do is my best and deal with life as it comes. I just wish life wasn't pushing me in one direction or the other due to the actions of people around me. It's hard not having the freedom to make these choices on my own. I believe everything happens for a reason and I will try my best to make whatever happens as positive of a situation as possible.

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