Milo's First Father's Day

by - June 19, 2016

My hopes and prayers of Michael changing the way he feels about me or at least this baby, after our visit to the hospital in SLC, have come to a crushing halt. I have been barely functioning since I got back to Ohio. It's hard to eat, drink, or even sleep. I have blown off my friends and barely leave the comfort of my bed. All I can do is cry and when I'm not upset my mind and body are covered in this sheet of numbness. Michael is constantly playing these mind games, always going back and fourth. One minute he is saying that things are different, we are going to make this work, and I can trust him. Then, the next he is saying he is still holding onto hatred and resentment towards me for going through with the pregnancy. That he never wanted this and is ashamed of me and the baby. I am constantly being told that the way he treats me, the way he feels, and how I have been feeling through out this journey, is all my fault. I knew he was stubborn from the beginning. That he meant it when he said if I continue this pregnancy he will hate me forever and make my life a living hell. He reminded me (again) that he wants to have a real family, not to be stuck with me and Milo. Since I won't get an abortion, at this time I am too far along, he is now pressuring me to look into adoption.

This destroys my heart, just rips it right out of my chest. Not only for me, but for my son. I feel everything twice as strong as I did before my pregnancy. With the added hormones and love for my baby boy, it's a powerful mixture. Emotions to be reckoned with. Before, I only had to look out and feel for myself. Now, I have this growing, boy, that has completely become my world, to look after, love and protect. I die a little inside when I hear him say after all this time, he still doesn't care. Makes me cringe right down to my bones.

I have spent months being supportive of Michael and how hard he has been working. Understanding of his long hours, his personality, and that this journey is changing his life too. Forgiving, of all the abuse and harm he caused in the beginning and is continuing to cause to this day. I have tried to build relationships with the people in his life, because I know it is important to him that I do so. I have even changed aspects of myself and pushed my comfort zone, trying to make him happy.

Before this visit to Utah I was blinded by the phone calls where we would talk for hours, joking and laughing. Discussing our days. Even though I couldn't help but notice he never asked me how my day was or how appointments went. What was coming up next at the doctors or how I have been feeling. He has never, not once in six months asked about the baby. Pushing it to the back of my mind, I chocked it up to his personality. Not that he just doesn't care. I didn't think that was even possible. I have made excuse after excuse for him and his behavior with everyone in my life. My doctors when problems with my pregnancy have come up. My friends when they ask their questions of concern. Even myself.

Seeing his dismissal, in person, while on my visit just completely broke me. Hatred, shame, and resentment was all I saw for days in his eyes. While we were out seeing the sights of SLC and visiting the mall downtown, he didnt even want to look at anything for the baby. On the other hand, he had no problem blowing hundreds on himself and various luxuries. Since our fight at the hotel he has tried to say I was crazy. That I was making everything up and just wanted to fight. Till he finally admitted the truth about how he feels last night. With that truth, plans for me and the baby to move to Utah are now put on hold. He apparently needs time to rethink his involvement. I have some things to think about too. Like is moving out there under his control really a good, safe idea? Is this the kind of father Milo really needs, if Michael even wants to parent after he is done "thinking about it"? Will this be the best situation for me and the baby? I can't even fathom at this point, how he couldn't be in this with me by now. After hearing the heartbeat, how can he not be open to loving this baby. The saddest thing is, is that he wants kids and a family. Just not us. The first time I heard Milo's tiny heartbeat, the most amazing wave of emotion washed over me. It was a magical moment, that I'll remember forever. I was in this 100%. From that moment on, he became my world.

I however, have come to the realization that, I can't make Michael do the right thing, grow up, take responsibility, or be a good man, or father. The only thing I can do is try to build a stable and happy life for me and my son. Love Milo as much as I possibly can, and be the best mother I can be. I don't have the time to wait around while he rethinks what he wants. My third trimester is here and I have to make a new plan for Milo's arrival. I have put myself out there and tried with all my heart to make things work between us. To be able to co parent positively and become friends after everything we have been through. I have put my own feelings, wants, needs and desires aside to include him in our lives. While not receiving the tiniest bit of appreciation. Despite my efforts to not have the modern co parenting lifestyle full of negativity and controversy, he refuses to work together, to move on to acceptance and open his heart.

His immature and down right gut wrenching actions will effect more than just him. My hope for Michael is that he realizes that one day. Mike and Karen will be missing out on the joys of being grandparents. His friends, people he claims as family, who already seem to have their hearts invested, won't get the opportunity to know this little boy. More importantly, Milo is effected the most by his selfishness. Changing the plans we had made for months, puts additional stress on me and the baby during the last few months of pregnancy. After Milo's arrival, this forces me to spend less time raising our son and more time working out of the home. I hate the idea of day cares or strangers raising my child. He will be leaving a son without his father. Mostly, I dread the day I have to answer Milo's questions about why daddy doesn't love him.

No matter how hard Michael tries to get me to believe that this pregnancy, and our son is a mistake, I will never see Milo as anything less than a joyous blessing to my life. The only mistake I made was falling for someone who isn't good enough for me or my son.

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