Week 21... I Believe In The Good Things Coming

by - May 14, 2016

This has not been turning out to be the pregnancy I expected. I knew things wouldn't be easy, but I never expected things to be this difficult. I came back to Ohio thinking now that I am starting a family of my own, it may be of interest for me to be closer to mine. Not a single one of my family members has shown any ounce of interest, support, compassion, or even said congratulations. The ones I actually still had faith in have refused my baby shower invitations. Since I have been back my pregnancy has just seemed to give them more fuel for their drama fire. They have had their torches and pitch forks at the ready, and more recently started storming my walls. Not even considering the harm they are causing me and my baby with all this drama and extra stress. I honestly don't know what I was thinking or why I assumed things would be different than they always have been. My emotions are higher due to the fluctuating hormones, so maybe that's what had my expectations heightened.

Due to the over dramatic exaggerations and lies preformed by my mother. I have been receiving crude and hurtful messages, and physical harm threats to my baby, from various members of my family. Anyone who knows me just laughs when I tell them the things she has claimed I have done, because they know it's not me. Not only did I raise myself to be better than that and these actions are not in my behavior, but with my anxiety, damn near impossible for me to do. I have the hardest time with in person confrintation. Michael will tell you, expecially since he hates this about me, when my anxiety rises I walk away from the issue and then after a few moments I will text him. Since childhood I freeze up when dealing with confrintation in person. I can't speak, I start to shake, my eyes glaze over, I have a hard time breathing, and I completely zone out to where I don't even remember what is being said. After dealing with years of my mother's abuse this is how I am. It just shows how little my family has cared or bothered to take the time to get to know me. People acting this way, I figured, was only seen on Jerry Springer or when accidentally taking a wrong turn in the city. They have never been ones with class or upstanding morals, but I didn't know they have dug themselves so low to put an innocent baby in danger. All this has pushed me to my decision to head back out west and cut off all ties and connections with them.

Michael has been promising me things will be better and he will make this work. He actually sounded genuine, concerned, and excited. Genuine in his apology and understanding of my side. Concerned about mine and Milo's safety and well being, here with my family, and in Salt Lake. Excited to make things work and get things moving on me coming back. It won't be easy finding a new doctor, new hospital, place to live, and moving across the country in my third trimester, but honestly it's what's best and with my wandering ways I wouldn't expect any less. I found some really great places already, I cant wait to check them out in person. One in a nice valley area tucked in the mountains called Heber City and another in the world renouned Park City. My life for the past few years has been taken over by the travel bug, apparently pregnancy is no exception. We may not be a typical family, or ever be in a romantic relationship, but that doesn't mean Milo has to grow up with negativity and controversy. We can be mature adults, hopefully great friends, who get to share this beautiful baby boy. I don't want us to ever have the new age co parent relationship where it's filled with hatred and arguements. I want Milo to have everyone together on special events like holidays and birthdays. There is no need for us to be so petty we can't all share those happy moments together. And who knows maybe I'll find the love of my life in Salt Lake City, like that could be any further out of my mind.

This morning while at a visit with Dr. Funk, a visit I rescheduled from last week. I missed my appointment last week, just didn't show up. I completely forgot, like all the other things I have been completely forgetting lately. Pregnancy brain is the real deal, I now know how old people feel, when they are constantly losing their keys. Michael and I have planned for me to come visit next month and check out some neighborhoods, look at some apartments, and visit Karen (Michael's Mother). During my appointment Dr. Funk and I discussed travel and flying. He said it was perfectly fine for me at this stage to fly as long as I get an isle seat, to walk around and move every couple hours. During pregnancy I am at a higher risk for blood clots and flying increases those risks even more. In some cases blood clots during pregnancy can lead to taking a shot, everyday, he warned me. I'm definitely not ok with that. I don't know if I would be able to give myself an injection. I still squirm when getting my blood drawn. I'm keeping my fingers crossed everything will be easy breezy with this trip.
Today I scheduled another appointment before my visit to Utah. The dreaded by everyone, the test with no positive reviews, all mighty glucose test. I have tried to get out of it, however it is mandatory. They will give me a large syrupy soda like drink that I have to choke down, without puking, while periodically getting my blood drawn... So not excited. On the other hand, they missed some things in my last ultrasound, since Milo was too busy lounging to be bothered to move into a proper position. So I do get to see my baby again!!! I love ultrasounds. I honestly could spend all day watching that screen. I will also get more photos to share with Karen so that is exciting. I'm considering framing a good one and gifting it to her as a grandma - to - be keepsake. From what I hear she is very excited. Michael finally got around to giving her my phone number. Her interest in talking with me previously mentioned in how many blogs ago, I can't remember, but I am awaiting her phone call. I have been so curious to see how she will be. I have pictured in my head all the ways this call could go. Will she be mad, judgmental, emotional, excited, encouraging? Will we become close? Will she think badly about me since Michael and I don't have a typical conservative relationship? What I am hoping for is that we have a great relationship, and this little boy grows up surrounded by love and support. I'm going to be out there alone, in a new unfamiliar place, it would be nice to have one person on my side. Someone I can talk to, look to for guidance and advice. God knows I won't be calling my mother up for parenting advice in the middle of the night.

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