Week 17... Bitten By A Wander Baby

by - April 23, 2016

Even during my ups and downs, moans, groans and oh no's, Michael has yet to waver. He has been supportive, positive and communicative the past couple weeks. It's like he is a totally new fella. Maybe he has finally come to terms with our impending reality. It must be my turn to spas out, now. He has recieved his offer letter from the company in Nevada and starts work as soon as he schedules a training class. A simple day class in either California or Arizona, which of course his stubborn ass is trying to get out of. Mr. Thinks he knows it all. With the expenses covered by his company, I suggested that he just attended the class and take a couple extra days to relax and maybe explore a new place before he starts the job. He isn't a traveler, bitten by the wanderlust beetle, as I am. However, that isnt stopping me from hoping he takes my suggestion. He will be working really hard once he starts and he also has a lot of pressure on his shoulders. It would be good for him to let go and relax for a couple days in some nice weather.

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Now that he, for sure, got the job, of course the not so sly mention of me moving back to Utah was once again thrown around. He wants the baby and I closer to him, he says. He wants to be involved and give me a break on the days he will have off. He says he wants to spend those days in Utah and only stay on site during his work week. Even the idea of me not going back to work right away has been brought up. This all sounds nice but it still worries me. I would love all of this to work out as well as he says it will, but with his past actions it does make it hard to imagine. Giving up that much independence and control is terrifying to me. I have never had my way paved. I have worked hard for everything in my life. Now, with a baby to also factor in and consider, my decisions are even more important to think about. It's a hard match of tug a war in the meaning of, if Michael really wants to be involved and be the man he says he is going to be, who am I to deny my child that benefit. On the other hand what if his actions don't meet up to his words and I am left out there in Utah with no one and nothing...? Here in Ohio, I have my job at the shop, my business is expanding, and I am familiar.

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Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that I am going to have a BABY!! Me, having a baby! I have been keeping a question book. A notebook where I write down all the questions that pop into my head to ask my nurse. Since I can't seem to remember a damn thing now a days it has been my saving grace. I have asked them almost every baby/pregnancy question under the sun. The nurse just laughs and says I and my baby are going to be fine. She said she isn't concerned, what would concern her would be if I didn't frantically ask her all these questions being a first time mother. I have imagined every senerio going wrong. What if.. I don't strap the car seat in right? Or I fall asleep with him in my arms and he falls? Or what if I don't hear him crying? With my getting up at least twice a night to pee and snack I have all kinds of time to think of these terrible situations. The nurse once again assured me that my freaking out over "what if's" is totally normal, expecially during my second trimester, but to try not to worry. I am lucky that my hospital and practice offer guidance classes and lessons. How to breastfeed/feed. How to bathe. How to change diapers. How to hold the baby in different comforting positions etc. I won't leave the hospital without the basics, so from now on I am just trying to keep my big bundle of nerves under control. I have noticed my heart will just start beating uncontrollably and really fast over the past weeks. I know I suffer from anxiety and I have not had the ideal pregnancy, but this is worse than normal. Sometimes it leaves me out of breath. My doctors are going to keep an eye on it, but "heart palpitations", during pregnancy is experienced by many woman. Not uncommon, due to the increase in blood volume, blood flow and heart rate, it is common for the heart to do a little dance from time to time. The first time I had one, I was terrified and left completely breathless. Like the feeling you get when a scary part in a movie gets ya jumping out of your seat but instead of a quick scare, it lasted for about five minutes. Those five minutes felt like a lifetime. My chest hurt afterwards for about an hour.

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I am so glad I have my expanding business to focus on, surprisingly it eases my stress. I am trying so hard to make this a full time income so I can stay home with my baby once he is here. I don't really want to go back to having a boss, schedule, and bi weekly pay check. I would much rather be home with him, making my own hours, getting to watch him grow, than punching a time clock. I don't want to miss out on any milestones or accomplishments because I'm behind a desk pushing someone elses paper. It is nice that Michael and I see eye to eye on this at least. He doesnt want someone else, expecially a day care, raising our child. The one thing we 100% agree on. We both would prefer me to be home with the baby. I'm keeping my fingers crossed my business and Michael allow me that freedom.




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