Week 13... Breaking The Chain

by - March 25, 2016

So this week I finally made it to the ultrasound and blood test. The nurse at my obgyn's office ended up having to schedule it at Fairview Medical Center, in Cleveland. Not too far, but of course since my mom has been driving me to my appointments it was a dramatic mess. She doesn't like the city, highways, traffic, people... Well basically anything outside of her 25 mile an hour small town. Dispite being incredibly nervous, the whole entire time, the appointment went fairly well. I didn't know what to expect since out of all the books and articles I read everyone seemed to leave this part out. We heard the heart beat and I was able to see my baby on the big screen. The ultrasound was just like ones on tv. It was an extremely emotional moment. Sometimes I still question if this is all real, and there in that room I saw my baby with my own eyes. Hands, fingers, feet and toes. I thought the heartbeat was real, this was undeniable. Not like I ever would. Seeing my baby made all my worries, stress and fears of the future wash away. I could only think about how precious this beautiful being was. After the technician took all the measurements, to make sure everything was normal, she measured and tested for down syndrome, spinal issues and other development problems, the doctor arrived. He was calm and humorous. I wish he was closer because he made me feel very comfortable. He said the baby is in a good position if I wanted to know the gender. With my mom in the room and the thought of my gender reveal party, I had been planning on Pinterest, so far out of my mind, I quickly answered, "YES"! I am a very curious and impatient person. Have been my whole life and I don't think that is going to change. He fished around with the ultrasound device around my belly, and printed out some adorable photos, before he finally told me, 80% accurate it's a BOY! I was over the moon. I have felt like my baby was going to be a boy since the moment I took the test and saw the double lines! He handed me my photos, said congratulations, and walked me to the nurses station. I had to get some blood drawn for testing downstairs and wait a week for the results. This is a two part test. They will test the blood from my first ob appointment, this appointment, and I will be doing this all again in 6 weeks. They will compare each sample along with the measurements to determine if there are any problems. I hate how doctors test you for all this important stuff and then make you wait a week, on the edge of your seat, for the results.

This week Michael also contacted me. First time since I had been gone. He sent a text with a simple message, "I want to be involved". We spoke on the phone and I told him how the doctors appointments have been going and what I have been up to. He said he wanted to prove to me that he wanted me and this baby in his life and he wanted me to regain trust in him. Putting my better judgement aside I believed him and gave him another chance. There are still some feelings there, and hopes he will change for his son. I feel like we never really tried to see if this could work. I would like to not have to explain to my baby boy one day why his daddy doesnt love or want him. I want us to be able to work together, in a positive way, if not for anything else for the baby's sake. His interest in involvement, of course, was short and didn't last long. Like many other characteristics about him. While I have been busting my ass working full time, being on my feet all day, going back and fourth to doctors, constantly trying to get caught up on all the practices that were not available to me in Utah, planning a baby shower, getting my license active after they expired during my 25th birthday last year, buying an SUV, and working on my business expansion, he has been focusing on himself. I told him if things went well I would consider coming back to Utah so it will be easier on our coparenting... That message recieved no response. I told him I found a venue and theme for the baby shower and had some dates available. I asked if him and his parents would try to come, I know it is far... That message recieved no response. I informed him the day I recieved the results from the blood and ultrasound exam, and asked if he would like to hear what the doctor said... That message recieved no response. I tend to be an overly forgiving person, in the sheer hopes people will change and right their wrongs. However, I am a master at getting my hopes up just to get knocked down. This is one of the hardest let downs because I am not only feeling this for myself, but for my son as well. I don't want him to live his life constantly being ignored or let down by an uncommitted or uninterested father.

After checking my voice mail I heard a message from the Fairview Medical Center... Results were in for the first stage of the testing. All of the measurements and blood work came back normal. Now this is a two part test so something could still pop up, but for now my baby boy is on track and healthy. The almost numbing feeling of relief came over me. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. I hate the wait of six more weeks to make sure but for now I can focus on my healthy baby boy. Keep doing what I am doing and stay on track with my goals. I have to move out of my mom's house soon. Despite the fact, this is not the healthiest enviroment, she also has never been able to be a parent for long. Last night after an explosion, she clearly has been waiting for, she informed me now that I have bought myself a vehicle when my license clears I am out. She doesn't care where I go, she just doesn't want me here. Common words, I have heard those exact sentences come out of her mouth, what feels like a hundred times. Every time she reaches out and I give her a chance to be in my life it doesn't last long. I thought things would be different this time with a new grandson on the way but I guess not. This week has proved to me that I can't wait to set happy, healthy, positive examples for my son. To show him the meaning of unconditional love, loyalty, and respect everyday. I want to build a home where he can be free and safe with his thoughts, ideas and emotions. A haven where he can be himself and not be judged or belittled. Where laughter is loud, arms are open, and messes can always be cleaned. I want to break the chain of the negative parenting I have witnessed in my family. Set better examples and practices for the generations to come after me.


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