Week 11... Unconditionally

by - March 09, 2016

With the undeniable fact that I am really having a baby, sinking in, I look back. Back on my childhood, the only parenting I know, the things I wish were different, the memories that weren't so bad, and situations I will handle differently with my own child. My mother was not someone who baked for a bake sale, volunteered for school funtions, helped with homework or even asked me about my day. She was more focused on herself and the business she started after leaving her home health care company. She took care of elderly people, all day, so when she picked me up from the sitters and we would go home, all she wanted was to be left alone, smoke her cigarettes, and watch her tv shows. All her cares were already given away by the time she finally got home to me. I can't remember a time where we sat at the kitchen table, ate a meal she prepared for us, and just talked. No tv, no phones, just us. She has been a single mom since before she graduated highschool. She missed out on a lot in life having my sister as a teenager and me 15 years later in her thirties. So, maybe she really was tired of being a mother and wanted her own life, like I over heard her disclose to my grandmother, before she made me move out on my own as a teen.

Maybe I am speaking too soon or maybe not, but I can't imagine ever being tired of caring for and loving this baby. I can't wait to watch him or her grow, learn, and tackel milestones. I can't wait to sit down at the end of the day, eat a yummy dinner with my adorable munchkin, and hear what he or she experienced and learned that day. I want to know about his or her interests, friends, and passions. I can't wait to make our own traditions, eat homemade cake for breakfast on birthdays, chaperone a school dance, sit in the audience at a talent show, and cheer in the stands at sporting events. I want this baby to grow up and have memories of being free and having fun. Dancing on the sofa, cuddling and watching old movies, looking up and making wishes on the stars, getting covered in messes from baking cookies for santa, and building a snow fort. It would break my heart if even a single moment went by where my child doubted my love for them. In my eyes, it would mean I failed. I have had a lifetime of those moments, and even at the age of 26 it still makes me feel like I am not good enough. I have been told time after time it's my fault.

Michael thinks it is wrong of me to have this baby. That he or she will grow up and be messed up in the head because their father won't be around, and they will be raised by a single parent. Now it is not wrong of me, it is wrong of him. No one is forcing him to be an absentee father and make the choice to not be involved in his child's life. He is making those choices on his own. My personal issues with relationships don't come from growing up in a single parent household. Many of the best people I know came from single parents. The personal issues I face come from never knowing love or feeling wanted. The moments where my mother did express love towards me are clouded with memories of it being ripped away.

One thing I have learned through out my pregnancy experience is that pregnancy and parenthood are choices. Choices that do not have to be accepted, if you are not mentally and/or emotionally ready, for this journey that will completely change your life. If you, my readers, are pregnant and feel like being a parent isn't something you want to be, or mentally can handle. If loving, charrishing, and being proud of your child isn't something you can commit too for a lifetime, than don't go through with it, or find someone or a family that will. My love for this baby, was not a choice. It consumed me more naturally and more powerfully than any love ever has. So I could not imagine choosing this baby, making that unspoken promise to love and protect him or her, and later changing my mind. No child deserves to go a day, second guessing the feelings of a parent and not being cared for unconditionally.

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