Week 9... Up Up & Away!

by - September 28, 2017

With the plan to go back home, to a town I haven't even seen, in over a decade, in motion, it's time to iron out the details. With Brittany and I probably being the most indecisive people each other knows, we are researching every option of travel. The original plan was to rent a car and they would drive out west through the red rock gates of hell (Southern Utah Arches) and we all would road trip back east towards my newfound love and appreciation of civilization. Now we are looking into it all, planes, trains, and automobiles. The idea of growing up and being a suburban housewife used to terrify me. I know this won't be for quite sometime. However, a nice house with a homeowners association, matching Toyotas in the driveway, kids playing in the front yard, and BBQ Sundays with the neighbors, Judy and Stan. What a joke, right? Now, after living in more cities than my baby will have fingers and toes, traveling back and forth around this country like a gypsy, and experiencing the wilds of the wild wild west, I couldn't long for the safety and ease of suburban life more. I finally get it now, the appeal of settling down. Gaining a routine. Four o'clock soccer practice, lunch with the girls on a Wednesday afternoon, Saturday night book club, which ends up just being chit chat and the clanking of wine glasses, hell even double coupon day. I don't know what I was thinking before, that all sounds great to me now. I miss knowing where I am, who I am, and the familiarity of the people and places around me.

I feel like this baby is changing me in more ways than just my bra size. I'm thinking in completely different ways. The things I once dreamed of, or even once enjoyed are starting to become different. Expecially in the food department. My once healthy, vegetarian, diet went right out the window with turkey wraps and sugared cereals. I am no longer calling the shots, more like this baby is. It's not natural for someone to eat en entire jar of dill pickles and five minutes later a bowl of fruity pebbles, it's just not.

Someone I am supposed to help grow and care for, in some ways is giving me guidance. I realized this during the long three day road trip back to Ohio. Other people's actions I never really thought twice about before, because they were not my own, I am analyzing now. Considering the pros and cons, along with possible impact on my and my child's life. I am now more careful about the friendships I keep, and their chosen ways of life. I am taking control for at least the things I can, and it is empowering to be making well, thought out , positive choices.

For so long I thought having a child would derail my goals and my dreams. Michael must still think the same way by his continous actions, or lack there of. Really though, I have become more focused than than I have ever been before. I am more determined now more than ever to get my business off the ground. I am learning how to care for myself in ways I never had too before or ever considered. I always imagined having a baby would make me dependent on other people, people that I just don't have in my life, but instead I am gaining independence that I never thought possible. Now that I am home, at my moms, figuring things out, I have to switch my health care, find new doctors, and decide what's next for me on this journey. The option of rooming with Brittany, was removed from the table after I witnessed a glimpse of her "hustling" type lifestyle. Maybe I am a "goody goody", but junkies coming and going, a controling drug dealing felon, and impending divorce, isn't the environment I would allow myself or my baby to be apart of. The best part about being a strong, independent, woman is that when people and their promises change, my life and morals stay the same. I am flexible when need be and I always find a way to make things happen. It all starts with one positive change.

This may have been the hardest week physically, mentally and emotionally, but so far this is my favorite. I have regained so much faith and confidence in life, and myself, that was much needed. It's not going to be easy, raising this baby alone, but I know now, with my refreshed self esteem, that I can do it. I'm feeling a little like a superhero at the moment, and hoping this feeling doesn't go away.

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