Week 8... Big Decisions & Big Changes

by - February 22, 2016

My first doctor, well midwife, appointment is scheduled for February 29th, 2016. I contacted a few doctors before choosing this practice as my supporter, coach, educator, and group of medical professionals. I'm not a huge fan of modern medicine. I prefer to live a more pure, natural, and healthy lifestyle. I think it is definitely a must to find someone you feel comfortable with, and trust. Just like a gyno your doctor will, I'm assuming, be getting very up close and personal, a lot. I, of course, was very choosey. I didn't want a random fella, I didn't feel comfortable with, to be spending so much time down under, if you know what I mean. We all know now how well that turned out the first time... Hello baby. So a woman was a must. I have never felt comfortable with male doctors. However, whoever you choose, for whatever your reasons, just be comfortable and make sure they understand your vision for your pregnancy and birthing plan. No one wants to end up like the couple, from in the movie "Knocked Up", having a small Korean doctor yelling about getting drugs, for someone who originally planned a natural birth.

I have a lot of very difficult decisions to make. Nevertheless, I am trying to wait till after my appointment to make up my mind. I want to see what the doctor says about how I am doing so far. I honestly would like to stay in Utah, but just go up north, to civilization and hopefully normal people. I know there is no possible way for me to even continue to stay in Bryce for much longer, pregnant or not. The people I interact with on a daily basis are extremely stressful, and causing too much drama, for me and the baby. It is getting to the point where it is incredibly awkward to function. At this time in my life I need to limit the stress and negativity as much as possible. Simple daily tasks, like going to the market or post office are practically impossible. So I'm saying bye bye to midnight cravings, before they even arrive. There is not a chance in hell of satisfaction. Ben & Jerry's...Nope. Late night drive thru french fries... Forget about it. So, with that said, I am considering going back east, back to Las Vegas, or trying to not die of starvation by the time Michael and I could figure out the move to Salt Lake. 

The hardest part of all of this so far has been the overwhelming feelings of being completely alone and lost. I don't have a physical support system here. Michael is less supportive than a box of rocks. His idea of a pep talk is, "stop being so emotional", "just suck it up", or the always classic, "I didn't want this, should of had an abortion". Just once would I like him to say everything will be alright, we can figure this out. Like always, I live in a world in my head, full of dreams and fairy tale expectations. My friend Brittany, miss persistent, has been so great with letting me vent and giving me awesome advice. She wants me to go back east and move in with her. Honestly though, I am concerned about that because I moved in with a friend before and things didn't work out well. Plus, I really don't want to be the asshole who keeps their child away from the father. I can only travel for so long and I need to be settled by the time the baby comes. With that being said, the idea of me coming back to Utah and getting settled before the arrival, will be slim. Michael would miss so much. The birth, signing the birth certificate, that new baby smell, first smile, feeding, bath, coming home, practically all the best and most important parts of bringing a new being into the world. They say men don't feel like a father till the baby arrives and they hold this magical innocent being beaming with new life in their arms. If I'm on the other side of the country, then what happens? Does Michael just not ever get feel like a father? He goes on with his day to day life never experiencing the pleasures of bonding with his child?

I have finally made up my mind. I have been pushed to the outermost limits my anxiety will allow, by Michael, his friends, and everyone around. I will be leaving Bryce, UT this weekend and I couldn't be more relieved. It was a hard decision, one of the hardest I have ever had to make. On the flip side, it's the best one possible. For once in my life I am making a choice for what's best that involves someone other than myself. I have to say, it feels good. I have this new found intuition and this almost "momma bear" protective instinct. This move is 100% made with the best interests of the health and well being of my baby and secondly myself. My superhero, Brittany and her man friend, someone I have known since childhood are driving out this weekend. Like always, she gets her way. Somethings never change, but in this case I'm happy they don't. I have missed my friends and some of my family so much since becoming this wandering tumbleweed. I think this is the perfect moment in life to spend some quality time at home, and surround myself with love and kindness.

The only advice I can give to someone who may be trying to make a hard decision, that feels more like a game of tug a war, is to really think about all aspects. Try to push the hormones and the up and down emotions aside and make an educated decision. It's been hard for me during my pregnancy to not just completely lose my shit. However, with this choice I feel better about it every minute. I feel in my heart, it is very important to be around positive and supportive people during this life changing time. As a new mother it is my most important job to take care of my child any way possible, and I feel that is what I am doing to the best of my abilities.   

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