Week 7... Let Them Fall Like Rain

by - February 16, 2016

I don't know how many of you, who are reading this, are or have been pregnant, but I can not get a grip. My thoughts are so scattered. I am riding in the front seat of my own emotional roller coaster. I can't even decide if I want to punch someone or cry. Well, actually that is the one thing I don't have to decide completely on my own like everything else. It's cry... Everyday. It's like I am constantly on the verge tears. It's not even at stuff that is important or stressful, every time. Someone shared a picture on social media of a puppy in a little knit jumper and I balled till I feared my eyes of falling out. I'm so stressed, with my mind running a million miles a minute. The decisions i have to make and having factors I have never had to factor in before is making me lose it. Thank god this is the week of relaxation in the sun. I need to hit the pause button on my impending reality for a moment and just take a second to breathe.

Finally, I found a way off this god forsaken hell hole and made my way to Las Vegas. Even though some of my co workers left for Vegas the night before. Figures... The blatant lack of camaraderie and just plain common sense is what makes this place not suitable for me and the baby during pregnancy, let alone after the baby's arrival. As soon as I crossed over the state line into Nevada it was like a weight was lifted. I couldn't wait to see my friends and have a genuine good time. The baby and I needed to be reminded what an honest laugh felt like, instead of laughing out of confusion, due to the irony, that is the foolishness, of my day to day. Approaching downtown Las Vegas my excitement grew. I brought my cameras to vlog my time. I had a little wait, for one of my favorite people in the world, Kyle, to pick me up, so I started recording right away. It felt so good to be in a place that was fully alive with energy and good vibes. Everything, including the majority of people I have come across, are so lifeless here in Southern Utah. Along, with their personalities even the light in their eyes are completely dim. I haven't experienced such low and negative energy since I was a kid.

I ended up getting a hotel room at the Circus Circus, and couldn't have been happier with my decision. The friend's place I was invited to stay at, was not the right atmosphere for me, at this time. Days away from getting off probation it was party city and I kept getting offered weed and mushrooms. I get both are natural, however not everything that is natural is good for me and the baby at this time. Plus, I don't need a 14 year old and her pre teen friend's opinion on my job, pregnancy, and especially my romantic life. Or lack there of... Despite that small bump in the road, the hotel was amazing, instantly felt more at ease. First thing I did was hit the gym. Finally being able to work out was what I needed to release some tension. Just that simple act uplifted my spirits even more. I eagerly want to get back into my healthy lifestyle and be more active, especially during my pregnancy. I have been having terrible cramping and dizziness and I completely feel like it is from the stress where I live and the people I am around. I can't stand the constant laying and sitting around here. Plus, the processed garbage these small hick markets try to pass off as food, isn't good for us either. Everything has been covered in ice and snow for months and there isn't a gym or sidewalk in sight. For being someone who lives at a "resort" you would think I would have access to at least the most basic amenities, but no.

I was only going to be in Vegas for a couple days before my flight took off for Miami. So I was determined to make the most of it. From bowling at the New Orleans to catching up with friends all night. I can't believe I was able stay awake all night. That never happens since I moved and especially now that I am pregnant. I am always exhausted. We watched the sun rise over the valley mountains from the amazing view I had from the 32 floor my room was on. I was even able to schedule an appointment in with my dread stylist! I just love her! She always tells me like it is and we just chat and chat and chat. She gave me some incredible advice and was so excited to hear the baby news. She also provided me with some info about some amazing companies hiring that would give me endless possibilities to fulfill everything I want to do. I definitely have to figure things out at the very least as a back up plan. I know Michael says he wants to be involved and help me and the baby, but how many single mothers have heard that before? So, I am excited to at least start applying and looking into some better options. I have always felt good things happen to you when you are happy.

Miami wasn't the vacation I thought it was going to be. Best part was the Zika virus was not even a problem. All of my fears were washed away by the chilling winds, the second I walked out of the airport. The hot spot for retirement and party people was freezing. I had chills and goosebumps the entire time. My long time friend who I traveled across the country to see, ended up having to work the entire time due to it being Valentine's weekend. So I spent a lot of time getting to know his girlfriend, and oh boy, can she party. She hits the vodka harder at 10 a.m. than I did during my college days. She recently moved from her upper middle class suburban neighborhood to South Beach to be closer to Chase, and was not shy about letting me know how much she disliked it. All she does is drink so I was constantly reminded there wasn't much for me to do there. She made my pregnancy feel like it was an inconvenience to her, my entire stay. Honestly, I was waiting to experience something along these lines. I am at the age where most of my friends already have kids and things have popped up that they were unable to due with children or during pregnancy. However, I have always found it a little frustrating when people can't think of, or don't want to do anything besides drink. I had planned to find some yummy restaurants, lay on the beach, swim, paddle board and jet ski! Maybe even do a little shopping for a Miami onesie. I have this idea to get a onesie from everyplace the baby and I go till he/she is one year old and turning the no longer fitting onesies into a keepsake blanket. However, most of my ideas were pulled out to sea when I felt the water temperature, or brought them up to Miss Boozehound.

No vacation is ever perfect, but the time away, gave me some space to clear my head. Spending time with my friends and realizing that I am still happy, goofy, laughable me was reassuring. I thought since I moved to Bryce I lost who I am. I was even close to throwing in the towel and accepting that it is ok to be this unhappy, and that this is just who I am now. Having supportive positive people in your life, who are always there to remind you who you are, is truly a blessing. I need to be around more of that especially now that I am bringing a new moldable life into this world. I don't need negative vibes and energies affecting the baby's health or mine. I want my child to stay innocent for as long as possible, and to not have to hinder the harsh realities of life too soon.

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