Week 6... Emotional Whiplash

by - February 08, 2016

Here we are week 6 and Michael is more back and fourth than a ping pong ball. And yes, it is completely driving me nuts! One moment he is on the verge of almost bribing me to get an abortion and the next he wants to buy the baby and I a condo in a real city with real people, a whole foods, and other typical conveniences of this modern age. I get that he is not a complete dim wit, and he seems somewhat smart with money. Probably the best idea he has had so far, is to invest in property. He also knows (well should by now since I've been beating it into his head) that there is no way to properly raise a baby where we are now, at least not to my standards. So, I opened up the idea of moving back east. For someone who didn't want to keep this baby, not even 24 hours prior, he sure did not like that idea at all. Ever since I laid down the law and told him straight up abortion is not an option, he now apparently wants to be in the babies life. Doesn't want to be a "dead beat dad" like others he knows, even after I told him he didn't have to be apart of this. I can do it myself, since he was pushing so hard not to be. Oh, and "how could I just take the baby away from him and move back east!" For heavens sake I wish this guy would just make up his mind. Even though, with my twisted sense of humor, I kinda like watching him squirm. Seeing him actually not knowing what to do for once, is pretty comical. Or possibly I'm just bored in my solitude of the highlands. One thing about him, that I can't decide if I love or hate yet, is he always seems so sure about everything... Especially himself. Now he is coming to me with ideas, like I'm some kind of life messiah filled with all kinds of baby wisdom. I am pretty sure this is the first time I have ever heard the phrase, "what do you think of that idea?" from a man (boy) before. Hell I'm new to this too, I don't know what my thoughts are, what the right thing to do is, and I'm defiantly not able to see into the future. One good thing is, as time goes on, I feel we are starting to work better as a team and that is a much better feeling than having guns blazing like we are at war.

I was trying to wait and only tell close friends, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I am complete shit at keeping secrets. Plus, the people on this property are nosier than all hell, so of course they butted right into my personal business and invaded my personal sacred space. So, I broke down and made it "Facebook official" to everyone I know and even some I don't, on February 3rd. I'm super curious to see how my family responds. They are defiantly not known for holding back their opinions. Even though I haven't gotten much from anyone. Nothing more than a couple congrats and messages about Michael. I post a selfie, or that I'm going on vacation and my phone literally sighs from notification exhaustion. I post that I am having a baby, one of the worlds greatest blessing, and nothing, total crickets, dead silence.

Right now I am just focused on having fun, light and positive energy around. Vacation is just around the corner and I couldn't be more ready or more in need of some relaxation time. I can't wait to get off this god forsaken rock and not have to deal with anything or anyone, for a whole week! One thing I am concerned about though is the Zika virus. I have had planned to visit a friend in Miami for months and with this going on I am a bit more concerned in my current condition. I wasn't planning on being pregnant when I bought my plane ticket, and planned this trip. I am going to pack an all natural child bug spray and stay clear of the wetlands. I think dipping my toes in the water, and plopping my ass in the sand, while sipping a virgin daiquiri will be plenty for me. Hopefully, a few days won't hurt me or the baby.

As days go on, I'm becoming more and more stressed about the area I am living in. Everything is so far and I don't drive. I sold my car years ago when I started taking public transit, one of the many conveniences I miss about living in the city. I'm also completely alone out here. No real friends to chat or get lunch with. Like there is even a decent place to dine around here, anyways. However, miserable in my loneliness I don't have an ounce of privacy. Someone is always just walking right into my space. The worst thing about living where you work. I swear I am forced to interact with people I have no desire to more off the clock than I do on it. Going back home is starting to make more and more sense. Even though I fear giving up my financial support during this time. I have never had to factor someone else into my choices before. I am starting to feel the weight of that blessing. Something I wish I didn't have to feel completely alone. I have always been so strong from the burdens I've carried throughout my life. This however, is a weight designed for two.



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