Michael Has Left The Building

by - February 24, 2016

So during the past few weeks, after finding out I am pregnant, as many of you know, Michael has not been the most caring, supportive, or even kind person. I have held things back as much as possible because I want to write about my experience during this life journey, and not his downfalls. A big reason for my decision to move back home, is not only the seclusion and extreme ruralness of Bryce, UT, but the heartless, overwhelming, and at times downright gut wrenching verbal and emotional abuse, I have been dealing with. The other day everything became clear with a threatening text, that came after hours of drunken degrading insults. Because of that, I made the choice to leave Bryce earlier than I expected. No longer feeling safe in a place meant to be your home can be very unnerving, especially to someone with anxiety. Not using my anxiety as an excuse but, it does make it harder to be in a constantly stressful and belittling environment, where everyday is already a battle. 

After that night of what felt like endless back and forth, I forgave him for the 100th time. I kept holding out hope that he would man up, maybe he was just stressed about becoming a father, and maybe he would come around and stop taking it out on me. That hope died when he became aggressive and angry once again about me keeping the baby. He said numerous times that he doesn't want this baby. He doesn't want this life, and he doesn't want this with me. Michael, finally showed me his true colors and made up his mind. He decided that he doesn't want to be involved with the baby or me anymore. So I weighed my options and thought about the next course of action to making sure my baby and I are safe. With already going back east decided, I typed up some terms this morning hoping Michael and I can keep away from the courts like we discussed and agreed upon, but he resisted. After voicing my concerns with a local Garfield County Deputy, he advised me to file an order of protection when I get to Ohio, so I can attend the follow up court date. With well over a thousand texts as evidence of threats, verbal and emotional abuse, and his admittance of not wanting this innocent child in his life. I was also made aware there wouldn't be any problem getting the order in place, once Michael is served. He then wouldn't be able to contact me, show up at my residence, daycare facility or babysitters, or workplace unannounced. 

I hoped things wouldn't have ended up this way. On the other hand, I'm not surprised. I am not angry or holding a grudge over his selfish and immature decisions. I tried my best to be understanding and forgiving with his temper and outbursts, but I have more than just myself to worry about now. Beating up on me is one thing, but purposely continuing to do things that harm an unborn baby is crossing the line. A baby should be loved and a joyous occasion. I pictured us becoming very close and co parenting in a positive way. That may have been naive of me to imagine, but that's what we discussed, agreed and wanted for our child and ourselves. Now, after losing all respect, and trust for him, I fear him being around me and the baby. Hopefully things can change in the future, but with his temper, drinking problem, and the kind of people he holds in his life, I am not holding my breathe. I would be open to changing the way things are and will be if he just gets help. Help for his anger, addiction, and need to be so abusive. I'm not holding my breathe on that one either. I don't picture someone putting in any effort to be a better person for a baby they don't even care about or want in their life. My whole life is changing, and in a positive way. I already have an enormous abundance of love for this child, I just hope that it's enough. 

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